Everyone is sick

The next time you receive an invitation to a party with a thoughtful request like this…

• If anyone has any allergies or dietary restrictions, let us know here! We’ll be sure to have options for all. 

I suggest you respond like this:

• Thank you so much for asking. Yes, anyone does. According to the World Health Organization, approximately 235 million have allergies. Here in the United States, there are only 114 people left who don’t claim some sort of dietary restriction. I’m especially grateful for your offer of “options for all”: I require goat brain reduction on celery sticks. Please trim the leaves because they give me a faux-gluten headache thanks to my recently diagnosed Osborne’s Prazniosciosis syndrome. (Fortunately they caught it in time.) Thank you again! Looking forward to the party!